I am currently working with Axialent an Organisational Development consultancy as an associate. Recently I went on a train the trainer programme with Axialent in a beautiful Manor outside of London. The setting was beautiful and really conducive to learning. We had three fabulous days immersed in the wonderful content of Conscious Business as espoused by Axialent.
One of the most profound learning for me happened when we explored what Axialent calls the Quatralemma. A quatralemma is a framework for working out our thoughts and what we say in difficult situations. It is comprised of four columns. The fist is what is called our LHC (our toxic thoughts when an event happens, the “oh shit” comments) and a column that oulines what would happen to the task, relationship and ourself if we blurted these comments out unwashed. The third colums is our RHC the things we say to another when faced with a difficult conversation, but in a much more sanitised way. The fourth column reflects what happens to the task, relationship and ourselves if we only speak our sanitised thoughts.
We cannot help our toxic thoughts. Those that immediately pop into our heads when we suddenly hear something or something happens. They serve to warn us that something is at stake. Unfortunately if we blurt these thoughts out unvarnished they are likely to kill the relationship and be disrespectful. Many confuse this behavior as being direct!
Our RHC are thoughts we say which do not reveal how we really feel and as a consequence we have a less effective conversation. If we only state our RHC we are not being true to ourselves and worse our colleagues know we have a rich LHC and so we are stuck. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t! Are you still with me?
We learnt how to access our core truth by looking at the LHC and asking very pertinent questions such as “what is at stake here for me” “What is important” “what am I likely to risk losing?”
The beauty of this process is that by asking these questions we get at what is important to us and we can restate these concerns in a much more truthful, honest and respectful way to another. Sometimes the core truth is buried and it takes time to surface but my advice is to be patient and afford the time to unearth what is important to you.
Only recently I was faced with a particularly difficult scenario. I was asked to prepare a section for a management development conference for a company I have been working with for some time. I was chuffed and honoured that they would ask me to contribute. I immediately realised however that the dates clashed with another commitment I had in London. I could not physically be present but I did think of an alternative.
I thought about doing a video with me introducing the subject matter and then using another graphic video to illustrate my points. I was excited. I worked hard to pull this off. I had to re-arrange various commitments and organise four other colleagues to support me in turning the production around in time. We did it. Then I heard the news. The CEO decided in this wisdom, without even seeing my work, that he did not like my idea. It was canned.
I was disgusted. I wanted to give him immediate feedback. The kind that would have been my LHC un-washed!
Instead I refrained but I did spend the time to work out my core truth. I realised that what was important to me. I wanted to be present at the conference to be included. Prominence is important for me. Adding value is also a concern. In addition I really rely on competence as a hallmark of my offer and was crushed that the CEO had not trusted my wisdom in putting this video together. My not listening to the video I esteemed the CEO had treated me unfairly, another value. I had my core truth. I needed to be trusted, treated fairly and allowed to be present at the conference if only virtually given the initial request.
I am now equipped to have a more sanguine and respectful conversation with the CEO when I get an opportunity. I will give him my feedback but this time with respect.
The TTT taught me the value of working out your core truth and now I have an opportunity to put it into practice.
I wonder if I have perplexed you or have I made you think about the important conversational tool?
I would love to get your feedback