I am preparing some material for a workshop I am hosting in a couple of weeks related to personal responsibility and accountability. It struck me in writing my notes and in preparing my slides how insidious the victim stance really is. I am not surprised that people succumb to being the victim and blaming the circumstances they find themselves in a bid to protect their innocence rather than take the more challenging stance of the player.
I am using the archetypes Victim and Player as described by Fred Koffman in his book Conscious Business. He describes succinctly and tellingly the many reasons why people find it hard to behave with unconditional responsibility be it at work or at home. The chapter opens with a quote which I think is very apt.
“The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge, while an ordinary man takes everything as either a blessing or a curse” Don Juan, Yaqui Shaman
We are not conditioned or accustomed to owning up to our contribution to things. From childhood we protect ourselves from punishment or the withdrawal of privileges by extolling our innocence in events. “The milk spilt” or “It wasn’t me” are common refrains.
Koffman speaks about the difference between victim behaviour and player behaviour in his exposition of unconditional responsibility. He defines responsibility as our “ability” to respond to circumstances by putting ourselves into the equation not standing off from the circumstances. He is quick to acknowledge that it takes courage to adopt the player stance that is, someone willing to look at every situation as a place where he or she played a role in the outcome.
He is also quick to point out that adopting a player stance in life is not about getting what you want or succeeding. It is not some mumbo jumbo or omnipotent mindset that prevails but a considered approach that yields results in better relationships, damage limitation and ultimately a person’s integrity.
“Ability to respond does not mean ability to succeed. There is no guarantee that what you do will yield what you want. The guarantee is that as long as you are alive and conscious you can respond to your circumstances in pursuit of your happiness. This power to respond is a defining feature of humanity”
Behaving as a victim, blaming everything and everyone except yourself is enticing in that it protects your apparent innocence but it has an immediate cost, your power. You relinquish the power as described in the quote above.
Why is it then that people, myself included, find it so compelling to blame, find fault argue the conditions of our situation without first looking at our own contribution? One answer as I have mentioned above is our need to look clean, innocent and above fault. We also wish to protect our self esteem.
Many of us depend on other people’s approval of us for our sense of achievement and ultimately our sense of happiness. We wish to remain blameless in the reality that is failure. Our public persona is at stake or so we judge. We therefore expend a great deal of energy protecting an “untarnished self image” What we don’t see is that playing the victim we unwittingly sacrifice our ability to take control, we sacrifice our power, we are sidelined, marginalised and impotent.
Look around! The victim archetype is very common, in business, the media with executives you respect, your colleagues and friends etc. We are all human after all.
Taking a player stance however is a legitimate move and I have been practicing it of late to remind myself of my power and the strength of this approach. Ask yourself the following questions to support your effort to remain a player.
1. What challenge did you face?
2. How did you contribute by acting or not acting to create this situation?
3. How did you respond to this challenge
4. Can you think of a more effective course of action you could have taken?
5. Could you have made some reasonable preparations to reduce the risk or impact of the situation?
6. Can you do something now to minimise or repair the damage?
7. What can you learn from this experience?
I have salvaged a relationship, coached two senior executives around this subject and have witnessed some interesting and rewarding reactions in my application of this approach. I encourage my readers to observe your reactions to situations and ask yourself how you are responding, as a victim or indeed as a player and how far can you go?
I do not pretend this approach is easy but I do acknowledge the wisdom inherent in its tenets. Try it!